


two-hundred thirty paces to my place

by nsofties



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Heartbreak, High School, Home, Leaving Home, M/M, Returning Home, University, and sometimes you learn a little too late, consider this super early for the holiday season, four years and four christmases and jaemin and mark are learning, i rated it t for swearing sjdks, jaemin learns what home is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 10:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17507051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsofties/pseuds/nsofties
Summary: Four years, four Christmases. Mark and Jaemin navigate what it means to be home.“Well, you’re all my home.”





	two-hundred thirty paces to my place

**Author's Note:**

> not proof-read, not beta’d, not really... any editing that happened. sorry this is messy and choppy. i hope you enjoy!  
> also, sorry it is no longer the holiday season!!!

The crockpot is heavy in his hands as he passively kicks his foot against the door painted an obtrusive shade of scarlet. “Jeno,  _ open up _ . The dip is heavy as fuck,” groans Mark under his breath, head falling back. Beside him, Jaemin snorts, rolling his eyes. Mark shoots him a withering glare, puffing out his chest. “Yeah, you’re only carrying two bags of tortilla chips and a carton of Lactaid. If either of us should be rolling their eyes, it’s  _ me _ .”

Jaemin, in response, releases a bellowing laugh, teeth glimmering in the illumination of the fairy lights that decorate the porch. His eyes shine, making his mischievous nature clear as he begins to speak. “I offered to carry the dip and  _ you _ made a strong case for yourself. Who was I to deny you that privilege?”

Before Mark can retort, the door swings open, revealing Chenle in a festive outfit. The light-up Christmas tree headband wonderfully compliments the aggressively festive sweater that he wears. It depicts Santa with his reindeer, the stars in the sky flashing with small LED lights. Mark, at that moment, feels terribly underdressed in his modest plaid sweater and khakis. The sight of Jeno, in a pair of black jeans and Christmas cat sweater that is clearly several years old, puts Mark at ease.

Jeno’s mother greets him as he places the crockpot on the kitchen table. “Mark! Jaemin! It’s so lovely to see you both. I feel like I haven’t seen you in quite a while, Mark. I hear you’re about to start touring colleges?” Smiling kindly, Mark moves to converse with Mrs. Lee, missing the grimace that passes across Jaemin’s face at the mention of college. He slinks away silently as Mark speaks with Jeno’s mother.

Eventually, Mark is freed from conversation, feeling the stress melt off his shoulders as he observes his friends from the doorway. Jeno’s arm is slung around Donghyuck’s shoulder, Renjun leaning over Jaemin as he commands the younger boy to drive faster in the game. Chenle’s loud cheers fill the room as Jisung’s eyes narrow, shutting out all distractions. Donghyuck turns towards Mark, his eyes reflecting the bright lights of the Christmas tree as his smile widens.

“Mark! I was wondering where you were when Jaemin walked in!” Donghyuck’s slight lisp is fiercely endearing and Mark reaches out, ruffling his hair as he squeezes onto the couch on the other side of Jeno. Grumbling good-naturedly, Jeno elbows him in the side before slinging his other arm around Mark’s shoulders. He throws his head back, staring at the ceiling so Donghyuck can see Mark again. “Do you want to join the next Mario Kart game?”

“Nah, I’m good. You guys go ahead. I’ll just watch.” Mark is, as always, content to watch his friends. The oldest of them all, something about their friendship feels distant. It isn’t the kind of distant that makes Mark feel like an outsider, but it’s the kind of distance that makes Mark feel more comfortable watching. Jisung often tells Mark that he’s his friend - “But, you’re also like… an older brother. You tell us to shape up when we fuck up. You’re like… our  _ leader _ .” Mark had told Jisung to stop making it sound like he runs a gang. Shrugging, Jisung had smiled. “Maybe we  _ are _ a gang - doesn’t mean we’re  _ that  _ bad.”

The Mario Kart antics are the background noise to Mark’s thoughts as he sits there, laughing at the right moment, humming whenever Donghyuck asks him a question with wide eyes, or Jaemin’s bright laughter fills the room with Renjun’s softly echoing behind it. Jisung and Chenle bicker as the race goes on, the two switching the controller between races. Jeno is equally as quiet, but it is nothing new, his cat padding into the living room and making its resting place on Jeno’s lap, purring quietly as he strokes their head.

Mark has grown up with these six boys. Jaemin, of course, came first. Even though Donghyuck has been his next door neighbor for his entire life, Jaemin came first. Donghyuck was - is - a constant, always there. But, Jaemin was Mark’s first friend out of everyone - the whole reason Mark and Donghyuck overcame their differences in the first place. (Or, that is what he says. The two of them know it was actually Jeno, but they let Jaemin believe it was his doing - none of them mind.) Lunch was mixed between grades, and Jaemin had plopped himself beside the quiet Mark, eyes bright and shining. “My name is Na Jaemin!” he had said, grinning brightly. “I’m new to town! Who’re you?” From that day, they had become inseparable. Even for the brief years where they were in different schools. Even for the brief year Jaemin was stuck in the hospital. Mark thinks that life without Jaemin would be weird.

Donghyuck and Jeno came next. Even though Donghyuck was always there, it required the intervention of the ever peaceful Jeno to pacify the baseless ongoing feud between Mark and Donghyuck. The two grew up together - but something about the initial friendship that was forced upon them by their parents created an unpleasant atmosphere between the two of them. Neither of them are really sure  _ how _ the arguments started, but they can easily pinpoint where they ended. The arrival of Jeno put an end to all arguments by him simply saying: “This is stupid. Come over and meet my cats.” Donghyuck was bad at saying no to his new friend and Mark was bad at saying no to anyone but Donghyuck, and so the two found themselves at Jeno’s house, playing with his cats and eating dinner made by his mom. Their friendship was not quick, or easy, but it is strong now - between all of them. Mark thinks that even though the journey was rough, he couldn’t imagine life without them.

Jisung was next - the new boy at the end of the street. Mark was quick to take him under his wing when he arrived. Naturally, Donghyuck, Jeno, and Jaemin did, too. He was quickly integrated into their group, but it took Chenle’s arrival for Jisung to grow out of the shell he had made. They had met before, it turned out, but Chenle’s arrival to their modest-sized town did not come until three years after Jisung’s. Quite quickly, the two of them were settled into their dynamic. As often as Jisung and Chenle often joke that Mark is  _ old _ and  _ out of touch _ with the young people, the two admit how important Mark is to them. Chenle tends to be more vocal about it, Jisung being more discrete in his delivery. Jisung will buy Mark his favorite ice cream flavor or defend him when someone ridicules Mark for all of his friends being younger than him. Mark’s affection for the two youngest runs deep. He laughs, feeling like a proud uncle when they succeed. Mark hopes they will remember him, no matter where they all end up.

Renjun moved to town around the same time as Chenle. Actually earlier, but Renjun doesn’t have the heart to correct them, keeping his rejection of Jaemin’s first attempts at friendship between the two of them. Renjun is outspoken - when he wants to be - and loyal - when you deserve it. He is this pleasant medium between Jeno and Jisung’s reserved and Donghyuck, Chenle, and Jaemin’s outgoing natures. Renjun, to Mark, is still somewhat of a mystery he has yet to unravel. Despite that, Renjun fits nicely into their dynamic, his bright laughter and sensible ideas perfect for their small group. Mark thinks that Renjun is the perfect addition - he wonders where he was all those years. Watching Renjun dig his chin into the crown of Jaemin’s head, despite the latter’s complaints, Mark feels a smile spread across his face.

The race ends and Mark doesn’t realize it until Jaemin is gently shaking his shoulder, smiling. “Hey. Jeno’s mom just said dinner is ready. Come on.” Mark accepts the hand that Jaemin offers, allowing himself to be pulled up into a standing position. Jaemin gives him a curious look before he shakes his head. “Stop thinking, Mark. Just enjoy the holidays.” A laugh works its way up from the bottom of Mark’s stomach, bubbing past his lips. Jaemin truly knows him too well.

 

* * *

 

It feels like deja vu to Mark as he carries the heavy crockpot in his hands. A hidden tension drifts through the air as Jaemin knocks on the door, the two waiting in silence as they wait for the door to open. Mark wishes that Jaemin would make fun of him for complaining about carrying the crockpot on their walk to Jeno’s house like he did every year. Something about the scene feels comical - they are dressed in Christmas-themed onesies on a heavily decorated porch, pointedly looking in different directions. Mark opens and closes his mouth a few times before deciding the silence is better than whatever would come of his attempts at conversation.

After what feels like hours, the door is swung open, Chenle’s bright smile greeting them, as always. His holiday spirit is undulled, the bright green of the Grinch onesie matching the lettuce-hue of his hair. Mark had recommended to Jaemin that a pink one would be a good choice to go with his new hair color. Back then, Jaemin had laughed. Today, he greets Chenle with a terse smile before dropping the bag he carries in the kitchen. For the first time since they began their Christmas rituals, Jeno’s parents are at a work party, leaving the seven of them to their own devices. Mark can’t say if it’s a recipe for disaster - yet.

Chenle stares after Jaemin wordlessly before grinning brightly at Mark, ushering him in. “Come on, Santa,” he teases, closing the door with a resolute slam that would have given Mrs. Lee an aneurysm if she was there. “Drop the dip off in the kitchen. Everyone is in the living room playing Mario Kart.” Patting Mark roughly on the back, Chenle is quick to disappear into the living room, his loud cheers reverberating throughout the house.

Despite Chenle’s greeting, Mark knows that everything feels different. That everything is different, is going to be different. He thinks that it doesn’t have to be this way - that they could forget about the past and the future and just think about now. But, he knows that isn’t how the heart or the mind works. His steps are dramatic and unnecessarily slow, but he wants to remember this. It’s not as if he’s never going to come back to this house, but the holidays have always been something special for them. This is the way he wants to remember Jeno’s house the most.

Jeno’s mother was always impeccable with her decorations, and his father always chose the best tree. Mark wants to tattoo these images on the backs of his eyelids, so this is all he will see when he closes his eyes. He wants to record the sounds of his friends’ laughter, set it as his alarm in the morning. He thinks that maybe he would never get out of bed if he did that. Mark blinks a few times before laughing softly under his breath. “It isn’t like I’m  _ dying _ . Stop being overdramatic,” he mutters under his breath, quickly walking towards the kitchen. For a split second, he gazes at the grandfather clock in the hallway.

Christmas without Jeno’s mother greeting him in the kitchen feels bizarre. A note is taped onto the refrigerator door: “Leftovers in the fridge! Just heat them up in the microwave - I prepared more than enough for the seven of you. Have fun! Love, Mom.” Placing the old crockpot on the table, Mark smiles fondly before looking towards the living room, where the familiar sounds of his friends mix with the audio of Mario Kart. As always, he finds himself in the doorway for a moment, watching his friends fondly. Donghyuck is quick to notice him, eyes shining as he pulls Mark into the room.

“I’m making more hot chocolate!” he explains with excitement clear in his voice, before he disappears into the kitchen. A loud banging sound followed by an exasperated sigh alerts Jeno to Donghyuck’s antics. Pushing himself off the couch, Jeno enters the kitchen, Mark choosing to stay out of the forthcoming mess.

Jaemin, for once, does not have Renjun attached to him. Rather, he sits quietly all the way on the other side of the room. Mark heaves a sigh, affectionately ruffling Jisung and Renjun’s hair before plopping down beside Jaemin on the ground. He presses his back against the wall and grabs Jaemin’s arm when he attempts to run away. The latter stares at him warily before giving in, relaxing against the wall. The silence between them is, for the first time that day - for the first time in a while, comfortable.

It isn’t that Mark doesn’t understand where Jaemin is coming from. He just wishes that they didn’t have to fight every single day. It’s become exhausting. But, Mark doesn’t want to waste these days, just in case. So, he lets the arguments happen, letting Jaemin express all his sadness, all his frustration, before they delve into silence. Mark scoots closer to Jaemin, their arms touching. In response, Jaemin stiffens, jaw clenching.

“Can we just not fight for this  _ one night _ ? I know you’re upset with me, but Christmas isn’t really a time for fighting with your friends, Nana,” says Mark. He knows that Jaemin will give in to the nickname. A heavy sigh slips past Jaemin’s lips as he lets his head fall back, hitting the wall. “Let’s just  _ enjoy _ Christmas, alright? I didn’t slave over that dip for four hours just for you to be pissy.” The glare that Jaemin sends him would send anyone else running away. Mark knows Jaemin too well to fear him. Instead he stares right back, accepting the challenge. He doesn’t want to fight - he knows Jaemin doesn’t, either. They walk on eggshells in steel-toed boots around one another.

“Fuck you. Can you just  _ not _ go abroad, perhaps?” mutters Jaemin under his breath. Mark laughs and, against his better judgment, Jaemin feels himself begin to laugh, too. Mark doesn’t even know  _ why _ he laughs - nothing is funny. Jaemin is angry, feeling betrayed, and Mark doesn’t know what to do. For a moment, nothing  _ has _ changed, nothing  _ is _ changing, nothing _ wil _ l change. It is just them, Mark and Jaemin, against the world, as always. Their laughing garners Donghyuck’s attention as he walks into the living room followed by Jeno who carries a platter with mugs of hot chocolate. Donghyuck smiles brightly as he brings two mugs over to them. Jaemin’s has extra marshmallows and Mark’s has none.

“Come and  _ join _ the party, sillies,” Donghyuck says, turning to rejoin the others. Jaemin is the first to stand, offering his free hand to Mark.

“ _ Well? _ I, for one, don’t want to get yelled at by Donghyuck for missing out on our annual Christmas party.” Jaemin’s eyes are soft and his smile is the smile that Mark only sees every once in  a while - a closed-lip, soft smile. Barely there, but incredibly expressive. It’s one of Mark’s favorite Jaemin-smiles. Not only because it’s rare, but because it says more than words can. He hopes this isn’t the last time he sees this smile. Mark takes his hand, standing. For a moment, Jaemin hesitates to let go before Renjun calls his name and yells at him for ditching him in Mario Kart.

Mark watches his friends for a moment. He will miss this. He already misses this, and he is still here. Jeno waves him over. For now, Mark will live in the moment.

 

* * *

 

Jaemin feels lonely as he carries the crockpot in his hands, standing quietly outside of Jeno’s house. Part of him doesn’t want to knock. Part of him wants to drop everything and walk away. He shouldn't - he knows that. This is a tradition. It was. It  _ is _ , he reminds himself. He’s still here. Knocking gently with his foot, he hopes no one hears it - he hopes that he can just walk away from the door after a few minutes and sit at home. His parents will be curious, but they won’t ask. Jaemin hasn’t been the same.

It’s been five months, but to Jaemin it feels like years. Years since he really… understood anything. Not academically, but emotionally. The straight A’s on his progress reports weren’t unusual; in fact, Jaemin typically found himself at the top of the class alongside Renjun, despite the public opinion that Jaemin’s head was filled with clouds. The countless hours spent after school at Mark’s were mostly to study, sometimes to watch their favorite movies, sometimes to get ice cream from the local convenience store and laugh about things that happened in their day, sometimes to cook the latest thing Jaemin saw on Pinterest, and sometimes just to sit in a comfortable silence. Lately, all Jaemin does is study. This winter break, he’s unsure of what to do with himself, unsure how to fill the empty hours when he has nothing to work on.

One day this break, he found himself outside of Mark’s old house, without him even thinking about it. Bitter, he kicked at the freshly fallen snow before trudging back home. Even on his walk to Jeno’s tonight, he had, on instinct, stopped in front of Mark’s house, waiting for a few moments before realizing his mistake and walking away. He wishes he hadn’t done that. Perhaps he would be happier to be here if he didn’t.

“I won’t forget about you guys,” Mark had said with a teary-eyed laugh, shaking his head as Donghyuck desperately clung to him. His diploma was in one arm, an obscene number of bouquets in his other. Jaemin had hung to the back, watching everything passively, undecided on any feelings towards the event other than desperation. He understood Donghyuck the best of out of all of them. He would miss Mark - missed Mark already, even with him standing right in front of him.

That night, rather than going to the senior’s graduation party, Mark had showed up outside of Jaemin’s house, throwing pebbles at his window. Jaemin had hissed that this wasn’t some teen romance movie, but snuck out to hang out with Mark at the local park anyway. The two of them sat on the swings and, for a moment, Jaemin had felt like a kid again. He remembered the first time he and Mark had gotten in trouble for going to the park after school instead of going right home. Mark had cried and he Jaemin weren’t allowed to see each other for a week.

That was the worst week of Jaemin’s life.

Jaemin thought that it couldn’t - it wouldn’t - get worse. That they would all end up at the same college, close to their town, spending summer nights together. Jaemin didn’t expect Mark’s list of colleges to all be abroad - all be halfway around the world in Canada. He should’ve expected it, really, for Mark to want to go back. But, he didn’t want to believe it. So he pretended for as long as he could, until Mark and he were laying on the ground in Mark’s room.

“I’m going to the University of Toronto,” Mark had said. Jaemin said nothing, leaving. He didn’t talk to Mark for twenty-four hours. He told himself that would be enough - that he knew this was going to happen. That he needed to stop pretending. He didn’t stop, but he knew. That night, Jaemin knew. That he should make the most of their summer. The twenty-four hours weren’t enough. But, Jaemin, for Mark, pretended that they were anyway.

He never asked - he thinks that maybe he should have - about Mark coming home. If he would come back home. To them. To him, Donghyuck, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle, Jisung. All of them missed him in different ways. Jisung missed him quietly - the same way he loved Mark, really. Through small little moments. Jisung missed him by eating Mark’s favorite snacks or listening to his favorite songs. He was never vocal, but everyone could feel the way that Jisung deflated a little whenever someone mentioned abroad in any way - whether it be regarding family or friends or where they want to go. “I want to go abroad, too,” he had said to someone. “To Canada.” When they asked why there - why not America, why not to New York or Los Angeles, Jisung said nothing, shrugging before returning to the game on his phone. Jaemin had understood. Jaemin understands.

Donghyuck had missed Mark through anger at first, and then through some form of acceptance. When Jaemin had first visited Donghyuck after Mark left, all evidence of Mark had been hidden, frames face-down, gifts tucked far away into the back of his closet. “I couldn’t bear to throw them away,” he had explained softly to Jaemin. The two of them were closest to Mark and, in a way, found that they could talk to one another the most. “It’s not… It’s not like he  _ died _ or anything, you know? It’s just… I  _ miss him _ . And, seeing him makes me angry, but getting rid of him from my life makes me feel sad. He’s coming back eventually, right? I miss him, but he’ll be back. I bet he’ll be back for Christmas. He wouldn’t just… go away.” Jaemin hadn’t said anything, then. He had just smiled and nodded.

Jeno, ever the mother, had pushed his own sadness to the back, instead focusing on helping the others. Sitting quietly with Jisung, helping Donghyuck place all his photos face-down, bring Jisung Mark’s favorite snacks, making sure Jaemin stopped studying and went to bed at a reasonable time, stopping in to check on all of them… It was  _ so Jeno _ to put the others before himself and hide away his own feelings. It was so like Jeno to do that, that it made Jaemin a little angry. There was a brief stint in time when the seven of them just… didn’t talk. They all went their separate ways, until one day Jeno popped up in a newly made groupchat.  _ Come over at five! _ his message had said.  _ Mom is making a huge spread and told me to invite you all!  _ They all sat in silence until Jisung had instinctually started up Mario Kart. For a little while, things were back to normal. They’re all still understanding things in their own ways. Jaemin is just thankful to Jeno for keeping them all together.

For a while, Chenle and Renjun had closed in on themselves, speaking quietly in Chinese. Renjun would tell Jaemin, later, that it was the only way Chenle really felt he could express how much he missed Mark. He was - Renjun, that is - bitter. He still is bitter, even if he isn’t as vocal about it anymore. Chenle was just sad when Mark left, desperate to cling only any sense of normalcy or familiarity in his life. Renjun was just - is just bitter. They are the only two who openly talk about Mark anymore. Renjun doesn’t talk about Mark the way Chenle does. When Chenle talks about Mark it is fondness mixed with a sense of admiration. When Renjun talks about Mark, it’s this ugly tone of spite mixed with heartache. Chenle misses Mark, but Renjun  _ really _ misses Mark. Jaemin understands.

Jaemin doesn’t talk about Mark. He always thinks about Mark, but he never talks about Mark. When Mark first left, Jaemin felt desperate to cling to anything related to him. As time went on, Jaemin packed everything up and asked his parents to store it in their closet. His mother was adamant that he keep everything displayed, but his father, ever the understanding one, tucked the box beneath their bed with a pat on Jaemin’s back. Sometimes, when Jaemin  _ really _ misses Mark, which is every night, he’ll open the box and sort through all the memories. Sometimes he’ll organize them chronologically and sometimes he’ll organize them in order of happiness. Sometimes, oftentimes, Jaemin will organize them in order of how much they hurt to remember, from the most to least painful. His parents worry, but say nothing. He reminds himself that Mark isn’t  _ dead _ , but it’s hard when he gets no messages, no emails, no letters. Jaemin wants to hate Mark. But, he doesn't. He just misses him. A lot.

One day, Mark’s family’s house was on the market. And then, one day, they were gone. Jaemin wishes they hadn’t moved away. Their house - their presence - was that last string that would lead Mark back to them. Jaemin thinks that, now, there is nothing bringing Mark back. Before Mark had left, he had explained to Jaemin that, to him, a house is not a home. “It’s the people, you know,” Mark said, staring at the ceiling. When they were in middle school, they had stuck a glow in the dark solar system kit on his ceiling. It glows faintly in the darkness of his room. “So, even if this isn’t my house, this town is still my home. You guys are here.  _ You’re my home _ . I’ll come back to see you all no matter what.”

Jaemin hadn’t said anything at that moment. He thinks that, perhaps, that was the right time to ask Mark when he was going to come back to them. When Jeno answers the door, Jaemin is in tears. Wordlessly, Jeno lets him in. Jaemin hopes that, this spring, one acceptance letter in particular will find its way into his mailbox.

It is their first Christmas without Mark.

 

* * *

 

It has been seventeen months without Mark. Not that Jaemin’s been counting, or anything. But, it’s been seventeen whole months, and Jaemin still isn’t really sure what he’s doing standing on Jeno’s front porch in the cold. In his rush to get to Jeno’s on time, he had left his hat on the kitchen table - Jaemin can visualize in his mind exactly where it is and thinks that maybe he’ll just borrow one of Jeno’s. The (Mark) Lee’s old crockpot is in his arms, and Jaemin kind of wishes that he hadn’t made that stupid dip that Mark liked so much. It was just that it’s  _ tradition _ and ten years of the same thing makes it hard to stop.

It’s been six months since Jaemin started university halfway around the world, nestled into a small dorm room on University at Buffalo’s campus. His first few months were spent coordinating the correct times to video call with Jeno, Renjun, and Donghyuck, who settled into a neat schedule at the university near their hometown, or with Chenle and Jisung, working diligently in their senior year of high school. Part of Jaemin wishes he didn’t move halfway around the planet, chasing after someone who didn’t even exist in his world anymore. He wishes that he went to biology with Donghyuck, learning about the structures of plants, or government with Jeno, learning more in-depth about the establishment of Korea’s current political structure, or art theory with Renjun, learning about things he probably couldn’t wrap his head around, but would try to anyways.

He bangs his boot against the familiar scarlet door until it’s swung open by an excited-looking Chenle. Jaemin shrinks away, but eventually lets his younger friend place a headband with a light-up Christmas tree on the top of his head. “It’s about  _ time _ you got here! We’ve been waiting for  _ hours _ .”

“No, you haven’t,” says Jaemin with a sniff as he toes off his shoes at the door. “I know for a fact that all of you got here, like,  _ twenty minutes max _ before me.” Chenle trails after Jaemin as he places the chips and crockpot in the kitchen. He eyes the familiar spread of holiday cookies and snacks and cracks a smile at the cake that Chenle and Jisung clearly decorated.

“You like it?” asks Chenle, steering him towards the living room. “We bought the cake from Costco, but we bought things to decorate it with, too! We only got frosting on  _ some _ of the walls.”

“And a little on the ceiling,” chimes in Jisung from his spot on the floor. Jaemin had a  _ sense _ that Jisung had grown, but seeing him - and Chenle, for that matter - in person, reminds Jaemin that six months is a lot of time and a lot of things can change. “Which  _ wasn’t  _ my fault - don’t look at me like that! You tried to grab the frosting out of my hand and I  _ told _ you I could handle writing Merry Christmas.”

“Right. That’s why it says Mary - like the name - X-mas,” teases Donghyuck. It is their second Christmas without Mark, and it feels a little less empty than Jaemin thought it would. Renjun hangs off of Jaemin’s shoulder as he takes the controller to race against Jisung and Donghyuck in Mario Kart. It feels familiar and serene and Jaemin thinks that yes, he misses Mark - perhaps he will always miss Mark until the day he sees him again, and maybe even after that -  but that missing Mark doesn’t have to mean giving up on living his life.

He and Renjun switch off, as always, who’s racing and who’s cheering, and for a split second, Jaemin even forgets about Mark. Forgets about his old neighbor whose house was only a short walk away. His old neighbor who he helped stick glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling because he wanted to be able to see the stars, even on cloudy nights. His old neighbor who would throw pebbles at his window to get him to sneak out to the old playground in the middle of the night instead of texting him like any other teenager would. His old neighbor who would help him climb onto the roof of his shed to look at the stars on clear nights. His old neighbor who was his first friend. His old neighbor who he realized heloved as he took photos with his parents and diploma in front of the school gates. His old neighbor who -

Jeno places a hand on his shoulder as he smiles comfortingly. “We were thinking of turning on the TV - watching a movie instead of playing the same races over and over. We all know Jisung’s going to win anyways.” It takes Jaemin’s brain a few tries to process Jeno’s words. Thinking was never good, Jaemin realizes. And thinking about Mark was  _ definitely _ not good. He thinks that perhaps his new year resolution will to be to dwell on the past less and look towards the future more. Jaemin smiles, gently releasing the controller before settling on the couch between Renjun and Jeno.

The movie is familiar, one seen hundreds of times before, easily escaping Chenle’s attention. Jaemin can quote the movie and spends a majority of it staring blindly at the screen, not actually absorbing any of the information. Chenle breaks him out of his trance, his voice cutting through the silence and over the movie. “So, Jaemin! How was university? Or is? I know we video called a few times, but the last time was back in November! Anything exciting happen since then? Was your flight okay? Did you find somewhere to go for, uh, Thanksgiving? What did you do on Thanksgiving?”

Jaemin smiles at the welcome distraction, answering every question. Renjun, beside him, plays with a frayed bit of the fabric of his sleeve, having heard these stories a million times over through phone, text, email, and video call. Jisung and Chenle sit on the edge of their seats, listening to him talk about his classes, his campus, his classmates, his roomate, Thanksgiving, and his life on campus. Jaemin does not notice that as he grows more excited talking about his time at university in America, Donghyuck seems to close in on himself, almost folding himself into the couch cushions. Jeno, ever observant, does notice, gently tapping Jaemin’s thigh to gesture to Donghyuck’s forlorn expression. Jaemin pauses - he knows how it seems and he knows that he needs to make it clear to them all.

“Most of all, though, I’m really glad to be back,” says Jaemin, settling back again. The sincerity is smooth in his voice - his time at university had, and he hopes, will continue to be great. But, nothing, to Jaemin, can truly beat the comfort of home. “I missed my parents. And our town. And most of all, I missed you guys.”

“Was it nice to finally be in your own home?” asks Jisung, eyes wide. “Your dorms looked so small and stuffy. I bet it’s nice to be home.”

“I haven’t been home until now.”

“And what do you mean by that?” asks Renjun, raising an eyebrow.

“Well,” says Jaemin with a smile, throwing his arms around Renjun and Jeno, “you’re all my home.”

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by the maine’s “when i’m at home”. i wrote these listening to dear dream and tied them all together and fixed them up while listening to seventeen’s newest comeback, “home”!  
> this is just the first three chapters of my 25 days of nct christmas (hence why it’s so focused around christmas) put into one place - and with some spaces filled in at the very end to make it feel more… complete. i really loved writing these three chapters, and i just wanted to be able to elaborate more and have them in one place. ^^’ i hope that you enjoyed my little markmin - i really like them? as a pairing? i’m really not 100% sure why or how i came along to like them, but! here i am!  
> also, hey, this is a mess and i’m sorry - i don’t even know what country or world this is set in i honestly. just wrote and wrote and wrote and i hope it’s okay.


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